Advice

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

I want everyone to follow this quote so you do not get hurt like I did. Everyone deserves a shot at love and if you are not fully ready to give it to a girl, please don't. Do not start a relationship without being fully ready to love again. It hurts to find out that the boy you fell in love with is still in love with his ex. That is all I really have to say for now. Guys please take that to heart.

Going my own way

Why Georgia is a song performed by John Mayer. I have been listening to it a lot recently. John Mayer's songs seem to fit my life right now.

I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

Focus

I believe in the brotherhood of all men, but I don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. Brotherhood is a two-way street. ~ Malcolm X 

Someone gave a friend of mine advice tonight. They said that you shouldn't be friends with someone who is not always there for you, even though you may always be there for them. I've heard this advice before, but didn't really think much of it because I figured I did this already. After reflecting on this, I realized that I do not do this. I continue to be a great friend to those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me. It isn't fair that I expect something from them, when in reality they are using me for either attention or just to have someone around. Sometimes I stand back and wonder- do they really care about me? Sure, they may say it, but in the grand scheme of things, do they even consider me a true friend. I've had my share of these type of people that caused me to wonder and just now have I accepted the fact that I cannot be there for someone who is not there for me. So from this post forward, I will not be putting my time into friendships where the other person does not put in their time as well. A friendship is a mutual relationship where the other person tries to continue it, just like me.

Perfectly Lonely

This is a song done by John Mayer. I recently discovered it and it has made me realize that love happens when you least expect it. Until then, live life for you.

Had a little love, but I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
Made a bad name for my game around town
Tore up my heart, and shut it down

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
And that's all I need

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

I see friends around from time to time
When their ladies let them slip away
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine
This is always what I say

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Is it really hard to see

Why I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

(It's the way, it's the way, it's the way that I want it)

Music is the heart to our soul

Music was my refuge.  I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.  ~ Maya Angelou

It's weird. Whatever I seem to be feeling a song tends to comes through the speakers that talks directly to my feelings. I love when I am in a mood, I know exactly which type of music and which playlist I want to listen to. Music speaks the words I cannot. It expresses what I am really feeling when I am afraid to share it with others. I love how a single song can trigger a memory in my head just by listening to its melody and lyrics. Music speaks so much about a person. If you know what a person's favorite song is, you can really learn a lot about them. It's even interesting to find out a little about yourself by looking at what types of songs you listen to. Music can take you out of a funk that you may be in and make yourself realize that you can get through anything. I like songs that have meaning behind them. I like to know that there was an intention about writing a song and that it is written about a certain event in the artist's life. This helps me identify with them and lets me know that I am not the only one going through a certain event. I know that just like them, I will overcome anything as well.

Just Tired

One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness.  

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again. Those times were the easy times. We were all carefree and knew exactly what we wanted. I just wish things would work out in my favor like they seem to do when I was a kid. I want to get what I really want just once in my life. It's always a constant struggle for me in life so why can't I come out winning? Some days I lose hope and think that what I really want in life right now can never be. I look around at other people and see what they have. Of course, I'm jealous. I know I shouldn't be because I should love and appreciate everything I have. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything I have been given in my life, but sometimes I wish I would come out on top. I want to be the person who gets what they never thought they could get. I think I deserve it. I've been through a lot in life, so why can't it be my time to "win the prize?" Sometimes I wish I could make people understand that it's all or nothing because quite frankly I'm tired - tired of being second best, tired of getting pushed aside, tired of being told I'm perfect just the way I am, but yet I'm not good enough? I just want to be taken care for once. No one will ever understand how I feel because I'm scared to tell anyone (even my closest friends) how I really feel. I think if I tell, I'll jinx everything and cause my chances to be taken away. In reality, I know that I don't stand a chance because we can only change ourselves, not someone else. But sometimes, wouldn't it be nice if someone would change for us? I'm not talking about changing who a person is. I'm talking about a person changing their mind and realize that I am the best choice and see that they miss me. Maybe one day my time will come and maybe it will never come. No one can know for sure.

The Shadow

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.  ~ Dinah Shore

The age old saying here is opposites attract. In many cases, I feel like this is true. Many people find themselves attracted to their opposites. Today in my psychology class, we discussed this idea of opposites attracting (which we called our "shadow") and examined why this tends to happen. I believe that people are attracted to others who are not exactly like them because the opposite tends to fill a void in someone's life. It is like they are the missing puzzle piece that is needed to make a complete person. The opposite tends to draw out what the person is missing in their life. I believe this is true in every sense. That is why it is often so hard to let go. We don't want to have that void back in our life again. We want to remain happy and want to share our lives with someone else who is not exactly the same as ourselves. This enables us to learn a lot about ourselves in the process. It is sad when we must let the opposite go and it even sadder when we never wanted to but we had to because it was what was right for the other person - our opposite. I guess in the end, we never do let go of our opposite (or puzzle piece), but we learn to live without seeing them all the time or talking to them everyday. One day, the pain of not having our compliment there will hopefully lessen and cause us to be able to finally move on and if not, maybe one day we will be able to be together again. Only time may tell.

Welcome Home

 

The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keeps you there.  

~ Ellie Rodriguez

 

 I love going home. It is the place that makes me feel most comfortable. It is the place where I can feel 100% me. At home, all my troubles melt away and I am left with a sense of peace. I can be happy here because I know that I am truly wanted and needed. A home is a place where we can hang our heart at the door and all of our troubles and frustrations are left out in the cold. Home is a safe haven for the people who flock to it. It embraces all who want to enter it and makes those who are not embracing back feel out of place. Here, we can be who we want and share our feelings with those who care about us and know that they will be reciprocated. Everyone wants to be understood and know that there are people and a place in this world where they can go to and be accepted for who they are and change those for the better to ensure that they will be a success out in the world. The home teaches us about ourselves and how we should act with others in our everyday life. A homes teaches us the lessons we need in order to be a woman or gentleman. Once we have learned the necessary life skills, then we have a sense of belonging. This is a good feeling to have because we are all looking for that one place that we can call our own - our one true home.

Everything doesn't always go as planned

A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that not everybody wishes you well.

~ Dan Rather 

It's hard to face people when you know they don't like you or appreciate you for who you really are. It's even harder when those people are involved in a big group and you've never really experienced anything like that before in your life. I feel bad when this happens to someone because I want everyone to feel welcome and feel like they belong. Its very sad when this happens to someone for no real reason at all. Maybe if the group of people truly got to know the person, all of the drama and hurt feelings would have never come. You can never really judge a book by its cover- this also refers to people. You shouldn't judge someone until you really get a chance to understand them and know where they came from to make them who they are. I like to get to know anyone before I decide if I like them or not. I am not the type of person to judge someone on anything because every person is different and makes different choices based on their backgrounds and needs. There are only a few people in my life that I do not like as a person. However, for the most part I like everyone. Despite if I like them or not, I treat everyone with the utmost respect because I know I would want to be treated in that way even if someone did not like me. It's sad to think that not everyone will like you or that not everyone will treat you with the respect we all deserve. You just have to ignore those that aren't nice to you and focus on those who care about you. The fact of the matter is not everyone will like you- that's life - so give your time and attention to those that do and forget the people from your past who have hurt you. If they even could let you go, they weren't worth the time an energy to be in your life anyway. You deserve better.

Wishing on a shooting star

The stars are constantly shining, but often we do not see them until the darkest hours. ~ Author Unknown

Tonight on my walk back to the house, I saw a shooting star. I made a wish upon that star and I hope it comes true. I am a very wishful person and like to just sit back and look up into the stars. It makes me feel so small and makes me think about what else there is out there in the world. When I make a wish, I am a very hopeful person, but I do not get my hopes up. I have had my heart broken a lot in the past, which doesn't necessarily have to do with a relationship. A lot of people in my past have let me down - by either stabbing me in the back, just forgetting me, isolating me, or just being plain rude and hateful. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of heart breaks from relationships that have transformed me into the person that I am today. I have learned from the past and have been more careful with my heart and feelings so when I actually give my whole heart to you it should not be taken lightly. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. If you want to really get to know me, you must dig deep enough to find out who I really am. Not many people truly know me, so if you are one of those that do, you are lucky. I mean that in a non-egotistical way. I do not think I am better than anyone else in this world. I am just a girl who likes to lay back, relax, and watch the stars in the sky. When I am lucky enough to see a shooting star go by, I make a wish and hope for the best without getting my hopes up. That is all that we really can do.

Comfortable

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe  - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~ Dinah Craik

It's so nice to feel like you could literally do anything and not be judged for it because you could still feel comfortable. I love how things used to be so easy and I used to feel so comfortable. I hate the searching feeling that I have. I just want to feel like I don't need to keep looking for something better that may not even be there. I miss how everything used to be and I miss being able to just relax and feel comfortable. It is so nice to feel comfortable and to feel like you belong exactly where you are. Sometimes I wonder what it would still be like if I were still there. I think it would be nice. Today, I am a different person who would stick up for myself and not care so much. I would retain my independence and remain exactly who I am. I would be the person I always was and would show that to everyone else. If I could go back to then, I think things would be different. I think it would be a good different as well. Things would work out and there would be no negative feelings because during this time I was truly comfortable with who I was and how I acted. The part that is kind of sad is that I don't know if I could ever go back to that time. I would love to, but I don't know how anyone else would feel about returning. I guess that is why you have to make the best out of the present because you never know what can happen in the past. This is why all I can do is move on from here. Sometimes I regret that I didn't remain exactly who I was and that I changed some things about myself (for some unknown reason). I know that things would still be so great and that I could still be exactly how comfortable and safe as I always felt back then. All in all, I miss those days.

Need you now

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need.  ~Margaret Mead

I think that everyone wants to feel needed even if they deny it. I know that I have a huge heart that always feels the need to give. Today, I did an exercise in my psychology class where we imagined a house - what it looked like, how it felt looking around this house, etc. - and then we described a secret room within that house. I won't get into detail about what the house looked like or anything, but this exercise really made me think. You're probably wondering what this even has to do with anything I am writing about. From what people responded, it seemed like my description of the house and secret room really described who I am. I am always trying to be positive even when I am having a bad day. I remain positive in every situation (even if it may not look like it), but tend to hold back my negative feelings. I need to learn how to process my negative emotions so that they do not build up on me. The problem I have with processing my negative emotions is that I do not want to bring anyone else down in the process and cause them to have a bad day or any negative emotions. I try to do anything I can for others so that they are not upset or do not feel like they are alone. I know that I do not want to feel like this way so why should anyone else have to? This is why I always want to feel like people need me in their lives. To me, this demonstrates that I am wanted and needed to someone because they need me and want me in their lives. I want to be need because it gives my a sense of purpose in life. Not only do I strive to do the best for my family, but my friends really mean a lot to me. I want to help others and I want to give them advice. My downfall, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, is that I want to help people so much that I would literally do anything to fix them. I want to be the one who helps a person because I know at the end of the day I did what I was meant to do and really helped someone. I love everyone (yes, i may have some negative attitudes towards others, but I still feel for them) and strive to do whatever I can to help someone out. Not a day goes by that I do not want to be needed. Like I said before, it makes me feel like I am wanted and fulfills my purpose in life. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being by myself or alone at some times, but I have an extreme desire for people to need me or want me around. It makes me feel valuable and wanted.

Leadership

You don't have to hold a position in order to be a leader.  ~Anthony J. D'Angelo

 

On Friday, I (along with 5 other sisters) attended a leadership conference in Virginia for my sorority- Phi Sigma Sigma. At this conference, I met a ton of other Phi Sigs and was able to trade stories and suggestions about positions. Because I am SDC ( Sisterhood Development Chair), the groups that I was placed in were with other SDCs. It was really great opportunity to meet new people and see sisters from all different colleges. I like to meet new people and to be able to bounce ideas off each other. It is very interesting to see what other sisters are doing with their own chapters. It was neat to see the difference and similarities. It made me really proud to be a Phi Sig when I looked around the big ballroom and saw the other hundreds of sisters there for the same conference. I felt unified with them even though I don't really know, but it was nice to all be there for the same reason. It was nice knowing that we all shared a common bond with one another and could identify with each other on some level. Everyone was so nice and I really was able to let loose and have fun and meet new people and to be able to learn a lot about myself over the weekend. I realized there are much bigger things in the world that really matter and that I have no time for petty drama. I think this conference has helped me become a better person who is willing to go into something with an open mind and be able to accept others for who they are and realized that I cannot change anyone other than myself. This conference taught me that I am a leader who sisters look up to and I want to make sure I am a role model for my younger sisters. Phi Sigma Sigma has changed me for the better and has made me the leader that I am today. Without Phi Sig, I wouldn't have gotten the opportunities I have received and wouldn't have made the friends who support me and who always have my back in times of need.  Phi Sigma Sigma is a FΦRΣVΣR kind of thing.

Hurt

The world needs anger.  The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.  ~Bede Jarrett

Sometimes people don't see the pain they have caused others. To me, this is a hard concept to understand. I normally realize when I have hurt someone and immediately try to write my wrong. What happens when someone is so oblivious to the situation that they completely misread the warning actions of another that signal hurt? I don't like people who plot against others. Before you do something to hurt someone else, please look at what you are about to do and see if maybe it will hurt someone else in the process. With this being said, it is really sad when friends turn their back on you in times of need. I know that I would always be there for my friends, but when they are not always there for me, it hurts. I will try to talk to them to make them feel better, but I think it is sad when you go so far in the conversation with a friend and express how upset you are, but they kinda brush you off. I feel like why did I even bother to reach out to them. I think what I need to do is separate myself from people more and expect less. Fact of the matter is: You can't change anyone. You can only change yourself.

Stress

Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.  ~Douglas Pagels

I feel that I have entered a whirlwind where I barely have any free time to do what I want to do. I don't know where this hectic schedule has come from, but I feel like it has washed over me and become this stressed out person who has anxieties about finishing projects, making everyone happy, or just being there for anyone. I never used to have trouble controlling everything that is going on in my life. I could find time out of my day to just sit and do nothing, but these days I rarely have time for that. I constantly feel like I am behind on my work, but don't know what to do to catch up. It is hard for me because I haven't experienced this very often and don't know how to handle it exactly. Maybe I am stressing because this is my second semester of my Junior year and I know I am moving closer to Senior year. Also, it could be that most of my friends are Seniors so I am stressing about losing them and not having anyone to hang out with. Regardless, the stressful period in my life has to stop and it has to stop now. I don't mind being busy. In fact, when I'm busy, my mind tends to be taken off of things that are hurting me inside. However, being stressed just makes me anxious and causes me to run around hectic. I like when people want to hang out with me and try to get my mind off of all the things I should be doing. To me, that is a friend who is looking out for my well-being. None the less, I appreciate my friends and when they see that I am stressed, some try to talk me through it and pull me away from life for even a few hours. This helps me to relax a bit and settle my mind.

Trust

There is no action without reaction, no choice without consequences. We are all accountable for our words and actions. Live and tell the truth and life is easier. 

~ Author Unknown

When discussions go on in group conversations, one topic tends to come up - what is your biggest pet peeve? I never really knew what my exact answer could be, until something happened to me to make me realize how much I valued it. One of the biggest qualities I look for in a true friend is by far honesty. With that being said, I think my biggest pet peeve are liars. I do not like people who lie to me about something they supposedly did or something someone else supposedly did. What is the point of a lie anyway? Just like the saying says, "Truth and time will tell." Fact of the matter is, the truth will come out in the end. It always does. I think it is sad that people feel the need to lie in order to gain something. I mean how does it feel to know you only gained something because you lied. I know that I would feel like I cheated, which is why I cannot lie. I try to be the most honest person I can be because I do not like how it feels to be lied to. One lie can hurt several people and even if you may not have intended to hurt someone, the lie can spiral out of control and ultimately hurt others. If someone lies to me, the trust that we once shared is now gone. It is very hard to gain my trust in the first place since I rarely trust people. I feel it is easier to only trust myself because then I can't be hurt as much. I've been hurt a lot in the past and have learned to deal with the pain that the hurt has caused. Some of the things people have done to me in the past have hindered the person I am and caused me to have trust issues. You have to gain my trust because to me trust does not come easy. So when someone lies to me, that trust has gone out the window and allows me to see a person for who they really are. In time, I may forgive you because I do not like to hold a grudge, but I will never forget what someone did to me to hurt me.